20 Years of Solitude (fundraiser for Burma)

Book Synopsis: When she was 23 years old, Ellen McCarty decided to face her fear of being alone and signed up for Buddhist warrior training in Southeast Asia (Burma). This story captures the myriad challenges she faced as she progressed from beginning to advanced mindfulness meditation practice at silent retreats in remote forest monasteries. This story is also about democracy and the beacon that America represents to millions of people around the world living under dictatorship. In Burma-Myanmar, decades of military dictatorship were overcome in 2007 by a non-violent protest movement led by Buddhist monks and nuns, known as the Saffron Revolution. Inner and outer liberation is the birthright of all human beings. May all people be free.

50% of the author’s net proceeds from this paperback book will be donated to the Burmese people (link below). Donations will support non-violent protesters as they struggle to survive and restore their democracy after a February 2021 military coup, a tragic consequence of our own American president #45 announcing to the world (and to all aspiring dictators) that elections aren’t real and can be discarded. The book’s title is a dual reference to the evolution of my meditation practice over two decades and to the 20 years of house arrest endured by Democratic leader Aung San Suu Kyi in Burma. My hope is that this book will encourage international support for Burma’s National Unity Government (NUG) made up of deposed Democratic leaders elected in 2020 including Suu Kyi who are dedicated to a federal democracy with minority rights. Note: this book is not appropriate for minors.

                                                               https://www.ellenmccarty.com/author

Click links below to purchase

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Working with Rage in Children

Mindfulness provides a non-judgmental context for children to understand their rage and other overwhelming emotions. While most educational modes of addressing Oppositional Defiant Disorder revolve around children admitting they are “bad” and repeating “I will be good” statements without a psychological road map they can understand, mindfulness helps children grasp that being a good person doesn’t mean letting go of the need for self-preservation and self-defense. With mindfulness, children directly experience that being good can be its own defense.

One of the first things I say to children with Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) is “I’m not here to take away your anger. It’s okay to be angry. Sometimes I need to be angry too.” This statement often results in stunned looks among the children and a visible relaxation of their bodies. To an outsider, this might seem counter-productive. How do you change a child’s behavior by accepting it? I would argue that acceptance is the key to changing a child’s behavior. The next time you are angry and someone says to you “let go of your anger” or “be happy!” notice your reaction. Someone judging your anger will probably make you even angrier. The same is true for children.

Anger is a defense against pain. It’s there for a reason. To change a child’s anger, you have to help the child understand why the anger is there – by helping them identify their pain – and then exploring various ways to resolve that pain without a lecture. An adult who judges a child’s anger as “bad” creates more pain in the child and therefore increases the need for defense, resulting in an angrier child at worst and at best, a confused child. A child who needs to defend themselves everyday may not even understand what being good feels like and may not feel it is safe to be good (something that may be perceived as weak). Children of any economic strata may need to defend themselves against neglect as well as physical, emotional and/or sexual abuse. Telling children they should “be good” simply because that is what is expected of them doesn’t resolve their need to defend themselves from pain. It’s especially important to remember that if a child faces detrimental adults outside of school, it’s likely that those children will be unable to trust any adult, even if that adult is the most benevolent teacher in the world. Children who have good parents may struggle with mental illness, which I will address here as well.

You can begin to earn a child’s trust by communicating that you understand their need to defend themselves. Understanding lessens pain. The less pain a child feels, the less they need their defense. The next step is also simple. Angry children are often communicating with their behavior that they need greater control. This need for control may be the result of a horrible real world situation or an overwhelming mental condition. Either way, their world is spinning out of control. One of the greatest gifts you can give a child is the opportunity to teach you (thus wield some control). After communicating my understanding and lack of judgment, I will ask children with ODD to teach me what they notice about their anger. I use my secret code game (written about in its most basic form in an earlier blog) to engage children in this dialogue. One boy recently said to me, “I would rather be code red (rage) than code yellow (which he defined as afraid).” When a child has this kind of insight into themselves, I don’t lecture them about the benefits of not being angry. They’re not ready for that and I want them to learn this truth through direct experience, not simply because I said it. Instead I praise students for noticing what’s really happening and reinforce that they are not bad people for preferring to be angry. The less a child is judged and the greater the opportunity a child has to teach an adult, the more they will open up and begin the process of cultivating self awareness and wisdom. Children – no matter how violent – are pure of heart. Their intentions are pure. They are simply trying to get what they need. Children with ODD often don’t understand the best way to get what they need.

A third way I establish a connection of trust with a child is to tell them how happy I am to see them. When a child gives me a stunned expression, I know that I may be the first adult in their life to tell them that they make someone happy, that their presence is valuable. I tell a child I am happy to see him for two reasons. Firstly I am creating within the child the foundation of self-confidence and self-worth necessary for the work of self-change. I am also teaching a core value of mindfulness – the notion of non-judgmental attention. When I say to a child who is code red, “I’m happy to see you even when you’re code red,” I am communicating a child’s value to that child. I am separating what the child feels (temporary) from the child’s worth. Too often we criticize children at the very moment when they need our kindness. What is most remarkable about communicating this is that the child will begin to conform to my expectation of him. He will drop out of code red more easily and put more effort into calming himself down in my presence. My unconditional acceptance of who he is makes it safe to change mental states. He doesn’t need to defend himself from me. I become a neutral background to his own process of self-change. Please note: I never tell a child that I am happy to see him if I am not. Children can sense emotions in adults and will know immediately if you are lying. This will backfire.

After I have children share what they notice about anger (code red), I have them pay attention to other mental states and actions. Again I praise their participation. I ask children who are angry to notice the temperature in their bodies, the way their muscles feel and any other sensations. If a child is able to sit still in code red (rather than act out their rage eg: by hitting someone) I praise that even if they can’t yet calm themselves down. I might say, “I see you’re able to sit still and watch the temperature in your body and that is such a beautiful thing to see.” I’ll tell them that if they want to continue watching the temperature in their bodies, that’s okay but if they can, to try to watch their breath and notice if it changes the temperature in their bodies. This triggers their natural curiosity. For children who have developed a life-long habit of rage, shifting mental states will be very difficult. Any adult who is mindful when angry can easily recognize how difficult it is to let go of this emotion. Curiosity is the best antidote to a child's resistance to self-change.

Those children who can watch their breath will notice that the temperature in their body cools but don’t tell them that. Let the children teach you. Don’t give away the answers or it will be another meaningless lecture rather than a direct experience of truth. For those children who watch the temperature only, their anger will become more painful. They may start to hit themselves or react against another person. To avoid that, tell the class, “for those of you who do not want to watch your breath, try to notice if code red gets more or less painful.” When children say “It gets more painful” I’ll praise them again. “Great! You noticed that. Now try to see what happens to code red when you watch your breath.” Through this exercise, children have the chance to see that anger is actually painful. Something they thought was defending them from pain is actually exacerbating it. Once children articulate that “ah-ha” moment, you will then have an optimal foundation to introduce experiments with kind behavior. Without giving away the answers, ask the children what they think kindness feels like compared to anger. Before the experiments, children will often say that anger is power and kindness is weakness. To which you can reply, “Wow, I’m so glad you shared that with me! Over the next week, try to be kind either to someone in class or someone at home and notice the different codes kindness makes you feel.” Children can use the basic green-yellow-red code I've written about in an early blog or create their own unique color code. Before they do the experiment, children may say “I feel code yellow” and I’ll remind them gently that they won’t know how kindness makes them feel until they’ve actually tried it and observed how they feel after they are kind to someone else.

Once children learn how to experiment with behavior and notice their codes, they will begin to apply this game to potentially every area of their life. One student asked me, “Is there a way to watch TV mindfully?” I said, “Yes – we can be mindful of anything. Notice what code you are before you turn on the TV and what code you think you will become by watching TV. Then turn on the TV and notice what code you are when you’re actually watching TV. Notice if your code changes when you turn off the TV.” The student anticipated the result of watching TV by saying, “I’m going to be code green (happy, calm)!” but the next week reported that he was surprised to observe that he felt “code yellow” when he watched TV (yellow being an unpleasant emotion of some kind that is not rage or extreme upset). I asked him why he felt code yellow and he answered that he felt bad that no one was helping his mom. He decided to turn off the TV and go help his mother which he was surprised to notice made him feel “code green.” This child who had received countless lectures about the benefits of being good had finally discovered those benefits for himself.

Ellen McCarty is a mindfulness instructor in the San Francisco Bay Area. Learn more at http://www.ellenmccarty.com/ or follow her status updates on Facebook at "Ellen McCarty, Mindful Youth." Copyright 2011 by Ellen McCarty

Decoding troubled children

My “secret code” game allows children to understand their minds while having fun.

Mindfulness can help troubled children identify and understand mental states, which is the first step in their healing process. Rather than approaching a child as an authoritative adult trying to control behavior, I’ve created a game where the child feels he is in control. Because it is a game, the child is more engaged and more likely to use these mindfulness skills in daily life.

First I ask the child if he wants to create a "secret code" (the answer is always YES). Then I have him choose two or three colors for the code. The child decides who knows the secret code (parents should be “in” on it but the child should be the one to share it with them). The child can tell their friends and teachers if they wish. For the purpose of this article, I'll choose the colors red, yellow and green (like a traffic light). The color red will represent negative mental states that manifest as destructive behavior. When a child is acting out, he is “code red.” Humans are social animals so I explain to the child that when I see code red, I'll know that the child wants to be left alone. I do this because children who act out at school are isolated from normal classes and often from potential friends. Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder may end up in Juvenile Hall. For some children, their code red is so severe that they need to be physically restrained. In this case, instead of leaving the child alone, you can use the language “Your code red is telling me that you don't want to play (a board game, for example).” It's important that the child makes a connection between code red and losing privileges, but it's also critical that the loss of privileges is communicated in a neutral, caring tone that demonstrates that the adult is not judging the child.

Code green represents healthy, kind or disciplined behavior. I'll tell a child that when he’s “code green,” I’ll know that he wants to spend time with me having fun. It's important to reward code green with praise, attention and social interaction. Two colors are probably enough to start with but if the child wants to have a more complicated code by all means, let him create it (be sure to keep a copy of the colors for yourself so you don't forget the code -- your participation is critical). Allowing the child to choose the colors and the code gives him ownership of the game and his healing process.

While using the “secret code," I remain neutral and non-judgmental toward the child's mental states. This is important for two reasons. Firstly I am modeling the behavior I want the child to emulate, so I want to model self-control and keep a lid on my own negative emotional reactions. The second reason is that I want the child to understand his reactions -- not feel guilty about them. If this game lowers a child's self-esteem, then that child will lose interest in the secret code very quickly and understandably so!

When the child acts out I respond with, “I see you're in code red so I’ll give you some space. I'll be in the next room. When you're code green, come get me and we'll play a game.” This reinforces the idea that negative behavior pushes people away while good behavior attracts friends. The next time the child acts out, I'll ask, “What code are you?” If the child says “code red,” I'll say with a neutral tone, “Okay, no problem. I'll go in the next room.” If the child doesn't want me to leave, that opens an opportunity for dialogue about their mental state. If the child does want to be alone, my respecting his wish and leaving the room proves to the child that the “secret code” game is real. I postpone dialogue in order to win the child's trust.

If the child wants me to stay, I may say, “Okay, but in order to stay, I have to see code green. What does code green look like?” It's important to be patient and not judgmental at this stage and let the child figure it out. Don't tell him how he should act. The transition between mental states will be slow at first. If the child can't switch gears, I'll ask, “How does code red feel in your body? Where do you feel it?” Most likely it will feel like muscle tension and heat, but don't correct the child. Just listen. Once the child can observe the sensations in their body, you can suggest that the child take one breath and watch the air move in and out (a natural breath, not slow or fast). When it’s over, ask the child how watching the breath affected the physical sensations. Try observing a few more breaths together. Have the child describe how their physical sensations change. At a certain point, you can say, “Guess what? I think you're code green! Am I right?” The child will usually be amazed as well.

“How does code green feel?” Asking a child to notice how they feel in code red and green is an important part of their healing process. Healthy, kind, disciplined behaviors always feel better but many children (and adults) don't realize that until they take the time to notice. At first the child will assume code red will feel better than code green. When he discovers the reverse, he may be very surprised. Over time, the child will choose code green for this reason -- because it feels better! If a child notices anything about code red, be sure to praise him for what he observes (don’t correct him). By praising the child for their mindfulness of negative mental states, you're laying a foundation for self-esteem and greater insight into his mind. When anger is no longer “bad,” but something fascinating to explore and understand, negative emotions become gateways to code green. Over time the transition will be faster.

Once the child has a handle on codes red and green, try introducing code yellow. Code yellow is hard to catch. You can set the stage for this new challenge by saying to the child, “You’re ready for the next level of the secret code game!” It's very exciting. Code yellow is the cause of code red. When code red happens, now I not only say “I see you're in code red” but add with a neutral tone “What was your code yellow?” The child may pause for a moment in the middle of acting out to think about it. Be patient and wait for a reply. When he shares, say, “Well, isn't that interesting! Very good! Your mind is getting so much stronger. You can see more and more. Are you proud of yourself because you should be!” You can also say, “Oh yes, I've had that code yellow too.” The child will be very interested to hear about your negative mental states and over time will start to identify not only his own codes, but yours as well. Celebrate this! Do not get offended if the child catches you in a code red or yellow. Use it as a teaching moment by asking the child, “You're right. I'm in code red/yellow. What should I do?” Let the child fix you. This makes the game fun for him. He'll probably tell you to breathe or ask you how it feels in your body. It's fun to say, “I have tension in my arms and back and it's so painful. What should I do?” As the child is teaching you, he is reinforcing his own mindfulness as well.

Over time, the color codes train the child to use language -- rather than acting out -- to get what they need. “I'm code red” becomes “I'm trying not to be angry right now, but I can't help it!” You can relate to this, right? Tell the child you understand and that we all lose control of our emotions sometimes. Tell the child how wonderful it is that he can talk about emotions because then you understand what he needs and how to create happiness. Then look for opportunities to change anger into something funny. For example, paint funny pictures of what you look like when you're really mad. Compare your picture to the child's. If you both laugh, hang them on a wall! A moment of anger becomes a moment of bonding. The next time the child's blood boils, he'll remember how he laughed the last time, and that memory will ease his transition to code green.

Ellen McCarty is a mindfulness instructor in the San Francisco Bay Area. Learn more at http://www.ellenmccarty.com/ or follow her status updates on Facebook at "Ellen McCarty, Mindful Youth."

Copyright 2011 by Ellen McCarty

Loving Kindness as Wholeness

Most people assume that meditation is about getting away from suffering. Loving kindness meditation reminds us that the difficult and painful aspects of ourselves are critical to our peace of mind.

Warrior cultures are obsessed with eliminating weaknesses and imperfections. Many people begin meditation by incorporating this notion of self-rejection. They only accept the strong, perfected aspects of themselves. They believe that they cannot be happy until they get rid of depression and anxiety, get rid of excessive weight and other weaknesses. Throughout our lives, most of us have been instructed to overcome or medicate difficult mental states rather than understand them. Self-rejection not only fails to make us better people, it often backfires and makes us (feel) worse.

Loving kindness meditation is a practice of reclaiming our weaknesses and imperfections because we need them for wholeness. A moment of suffering arises and instead of trying to get away from it, we create space for the mental state and surround it with loving kindness, which I define as unconditional love and acceptance. We marvel at how fragile the human mind and heart are in the container of life and how as humans we are designed to react to this container. The ability to accept with kindness our suffering and our reactions to suffering is an act of compassion.

A perfect example of the contrast between self-rejection and loving kindness is Oprah Winfrey's ongoing struggle with her excess weight. She knows it is unhealthy but she can’t understand why it keeps coming back, why she can't get rid of it, why she can’t overcome her habit of over-eating. She is practicing self-rejection, self-hatred. Her excess weight will keep coming back until she accepts herself unconditionally. When we try to change ourselves with self-hatred and self-rejection, we fail because by fracturing ourselves into acceptable and unacceptable parts we cause ourselves tremendous psychological distress which then motivates further self-medication (destruction) with TV, junk food or narcotics and other addictive behaviors.

You cannot change other people by rejecting who they are and pummeling them with judgment. They will be offended and hold to who they are. Just as we cannot change another person with judgement, we cannot change ourselves by rejecting who we are now. Any lingering issue that won't resolve itself despite all of our efforts most likely needs our loving kindness and compassion, our acceptance. Once a mental state of suffering is unconditionally accepted, often times it dissolves because we are embracing all of who we are. We are whole. For this reason, psychotherapy is invaluable because it helps us reclaim aspects of ourselves that we rejected as children. The very act of bringing an aspect of self out of the subconscious into the light of the conscious mind is a moment of liberation. We are integrating all of who we are and our wholeness  –  our acceptance of our reality whether it be strength, imperfections, joy, suffering – manifests as peace and well-being.

We can treat ourselves with loving kindness on many levels. First we become aware of suffering within ourselves and hold that moment with gentle kindness. We can also practice sending loving kindness to ourselves when we become aware of our own inner critic. We accept that the inner critic is part of our human mind but not an accurate judge of who we are. From there we can begin the process of understanding our suffering (rather than just rejecting it and wanting to escape). Understanding is critical to liberation. The more we can accept and be present with the sensations of self-rejection, the less damage external critics cause us. That's because we accept unconditionally our emotional reactions to another person’s rejection of who we are. 

Once Oprah Winfrey accepts herself unconditionally, believing that all of her cells are worthy of love – no matter how many there are -- she will enjoy being present with herself. She will enjoy wholeness, rather than suffer rejection. From this state of peace, changing behavior is very simple. We spend one day eating just healthy food and notice how that makes us feel. We spend the next day eating only junk food and notice how that makes us feel. Wholesome, healthy, kind behaviors always make us feel better. Taking a mental picture of how she feels in each case, Oprah can look at those mental pictures whenever she eats and simply choose the behavior that will truly make her feel better. Healthy eating becomes an authentic reward rather than an act of deprivation and rejection.

Many people believe that anger and negative emotions are bad. This an example of self-rejection that promotes a culture of denial. Mindfulness is the opportunity to be honest with ourselves about what's really happening. A moment of anger that is acknowledged, accepted, understood and communicated is far less dangerous than a moment of anger that is repressed. We've all heard about good people who “snapped” because instead of endeavoring to know and understand themselves, they've bought into self-rejection. As Seinfeld so brilliantly illustrated, “Serenity now!” is a mantra that often causes the opposite effect. Anger and other strong emotions are defenses against pain that overwhelms us. When we hold strong emotions with compassion, we give ourselves the space to heal until we are ready to face the pain directly. When we deny negative mental states, we cut ourselves off from wholeness and with it, authentic happiness. Someone who rejects themselves via meditation will feel the opposite of wholeness and happiness (and probably not practice meditation for very long). For them the concept “life is suffering” can become the extent of their practice. With loving kindness meditation, we see that suffering provides a doorway to understanding and wholeness. By the same token, yogis who believe they are unacceptable until they have attained enlightenment are practicing self-rejection and are unable to progress in their practice due to their own intolerance.

A lotus flower blooms in warm sunlight, not the harsh cold of winter. Becoming aware of moments when we treat ourselves harshly is the beginning of our healing process, the beginning of our well-being. When we accept our whole selves with loving kindness and use meditation to be honest about what’s happening and to understand ourselves, being kind and compassionate to others becomes second nature.

How deeply can you accept with kindness all of who you are?

Ellen McCarty recently gave a talk about Loving Kindness Meditation at San Francisco State University for the psychology course "The Science of Happiness.” Learn more about her mindfulness instruction at www.ellenmccarty.com or post questions about this blog on her Facebook page “Ellen McCarty, Mindful Youth."

Copyright 2011 by Ellen McCarty

Recommended reading (book thumbnails link to Amazon):

Please note: I've included the Tao te Ching above because I find it a powerful source of inspiration to help balance the mind and open the heart during retreat. Mindfulness and loving kindness can deepen one's relationship to any religion or spiritual practice, or in the absence of religion, deepen one's understanding of oneself. The Buddha did not claim divinity. One can choose to develop meditation and loving kindness as a spiritual practice or as a practical mental health exercise. For a more universal or cross-cultural view of Buddhism, click book links below.